Okay, so let’s talk about bullies for a minute. I have quite a bit of experience with bullies, growing up and as an adult. We moved around a lot, so I was always the new kid. I was shy as well, so I think that made me an easy target.

Middle School was especially rough. I had tried to become friends with a girl, but her other two friends didn’t like that, apparently, because they decided to make it their mission to make me miserable. They would make snide comments and laugh at the way I looked. They’d come up to me at lunch and get in my face, then walk away, laughing. Things like that. Other girls would tease me about my naturally curly hair. It’s beautiful now, and I get lots of compliments, but back then, I didn’t know how to manage it.

High School was better. We stayed in one place long enough for me to develop a friend group, and I had gained some confidence. Interestingly enough, the two girls from middle school who bullied me got into a huge fight and ended their friendship. One of them was on the track team with me and became friendly with me. One day, I asked her why she had done those things to me, and she said she didn’t remember anything about it. She remembered, but on some level, she didn’t want to face what she did or who she was being.

The pattern followed me into adulthood and into the workplace, which I didn't expect. I thought bullying was more of a kid thing. It's not. It just wears a fancier outfit.

At one job, I just had a very personal conversation with my manager. I went to the break room to recycle my Coke bottle, and as soon as I turned the corner, I saw her talking about me with another colleague. When they saw me, total deer in the headlights, and my manager immediately showed her phone to her colleague, pretending to have been talking about that, but I knew. It was obvious. That betrayal was too much for me in that moment, and I threw my Coke bottle in the recycle bin a little harder than I needed to and walked out. As soon as I turned the corner, I actually stopped and quietly moved back. I heard them continue talking about me out in the open, where anyone could walk by. I couldn’t believe it. I was so mad. My mom suggested I “kill them with kindness”, though, so I didn’t go to the next-level manager about it.

At another job, I had just started, and I met with this director. I sat down at her desk across from her to learn about her and her team. When I sat down, however, her face turned beet red, her nostrils flared, and she started to rip into me, swearing and everything. She was offended because I had used red to edit some of her documentation for a write-up she had done on an employee. I mean, I did the exact same thing I had seen a previous director of HR do with his managers, including the clinical director, a PhD, who didn’t get offended.

I’m not sure if maybe that was triggering because she didn’t do well in school and would constantly get red marks on her homework or what, but dang, I’ll do it in whatever color you want, blue, purple, neon pink, but please chill.

I remember being fairly calm while this was going on. I was honestly shocked by her behavior, but she also reminded me of a bull, the way her nostrils flared up, and I kept thinking I needed a red cape, so if she jumped over the desk at me, I could guide her away like a matador.

There were others with passive-aggressive comments, accusations, misinterpretations, etc. Each time, I handled it differently. I tried talking with them. I tried killing them with kindness. I went to management. I used an intermediary. None of it worked particularly well.

As someone who has worked in HR, I'll be honest with you about something: when you report a bully at work, there is a real chance that people will quietly wonder why you can't just deal with it. Which is dumb. The bully is doing it to others as well, and good employees will end up leaving as a result.

This is wrong. When someone is bullying people, I don’t care who they are; they need to stop, or the business should get rid of them. However, until companies reach some good sense, be thoughtful about when and how you use that option, and document everything.

What actually worked was something I didn't expect.

The bullying stopped, not because I reported it or someone intervened, but because I stopped looking like someone who would put up with it.

That shift didn't happen right away. It came from years of doing inner work. Healing old wounds. Building a relationship with Spirit. Seeing my own worth clearly enough to stop apologizing for taking up space. When you carry yourself as someone who won't accept that treatment, a lot of these people stop trying. Bullies are looking for easy targets. They want a reaction, and they want someone who looks like they won't push back. When you stop being that person, they move on.

I know that's easier said than done. I was naturally shy. I worried constantly about what people thought. Confidence didn't come naturally to me. It was something I had to build slowly, and I can still slip up at times.

If you're not there yet, try this: think of someone you genuinely admire. Someone who carries themselves well, who doesn't seem rattled, who takes up space without apologizing for it. When you walk into a room that feels threatening, ask yourself how they would walk in. Channel that. You don't have to feel it yet. You just have to do it long enough until eventually, you do.

Bullies need the reaction from people. It's what they feed on. If you don't give them that, they'll seek it somewhere else. Stay calm, take a breath, and say nothing. Silence is uncomfortable. They'll most likely walk away.

If someone says something rude to you, you could also ask them to repeat it. Just ask, “Can you repeat that?” That embarrasses them, so they most likely won’t. Also, if they know you’re documenting things, they may back off. In an email, you can summarize your conversation.

Here's how to frame it professionally:

"Hi [Name],

I wanted to follow up on our conversation today and summarize what was discussed so we're on the same page.

During our meeting, you expressed that [X]. You also indicated that [Y]. We agreed that going forward [Z].

Please let me know if I've mischaracterized anything.

Thank you,

Amanda

Writing, “Please let me know if I’ve mischaracterized anything,” places the burden on them to dispute anything in writing, which they usually won’t do. Always BCC yourself or forward it to a personal email immediately so you have a copy outside the company system.

Take my advice and just don’t listen to these people. Don’t waste your time worrying about it. It has nothing to do with you. You are a divine spirit having a human experience. Never forget that.

Although I will say something unpopular, they, too, are a divine spirit having a human experience. They just chose to remain in fear and not face whatever psychological damage occurred in their life. Instead, they put up walls and emotional armor and stuffed their feelings away. Then decided to treat others the way they were treated instead of ending the cycle. Hopefully, one day they’ll realize this.  

I carried those experiences for a long time.
I don’t anymore.
You don’t have to either.

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